What is psychologically wrong with me?

I come from a dysfunctional family. Seven kids, three different fathers. I only have one brother who is 100% full blood. All the others are half but still no distinction was ever made. My father was/is a child molester. I was never molested but my siblings were. My mother was an alcoholic, she has been diagnosed bipolar disorder. She's extremely hot and cold. She has OCD in MANY forms. She left school in the fourth grade. I've always been looked at as the out case in my family. I've always been called by my last name and it feels as though everything wrong with my family is blamed on my last name..or me.



I lived at home with my sister, older brother (not full), and my nephew till I was 25. I'm now 27 and living in the "real world" and just now getting to see how truly dysfunctional my family was and is. Living with my family was hell, wasn't allowed to be out past 11pm even though I was an adult who paid rent and has never used drugs. And now it's gotten to the point where my sisters are so cruel to me. I was physically attacked by one of them for some supposed "hear say" things that were never said by me. And ever since then, I'm not invited to any family gatherings at all. All of my sisters have children, none of them have jobs. Or EVER have had a job. I will randomly google my name and find the most horrific things said about my online and I have no idea why. I understand some people you just don't like...but I just can not understand for the life of me why I'm being pushed aside and treated so poorly. My younger brother (my full brother) is also ignored but not degrated to the point that I am.



My oldest sister is 75% of the problem. I remember as a child, I was always my moms favorite, and she hated it. She hated that I was musically talented...that I was the only child to not need speech classes or any LD classes at all, I was editor of my school newspaper...and so on. It's like...I was so good that it just pissed her off. I look back at my childhood and remember her physically beating me, making me eat my dinner off of a plate with pornographic pictures drawn on it. and such....



I hoard things compulsively, I shop A LOT! I'm overweight, learning is extremely difficult for me. Though I am in college at the moment. I work full time and have a boyfriend. But everyone around me is always telling me "You are so inept" or "I can't believe you haven't experienced this yet".



I just recently started driving my car alone without any direction from anyone else and that's been difficult. I'm afraid of big spaces...I can't even stand next to a sign that is very tall because it gives me the feeling that I might float away LOL I know that's silly but for this reason I'm scared to death to fly a kite or ride a rollercoaster.



I've never traveled EVER. I live in WV and have only been to Ohio and VA. I've never seen the beach...never flown, just never went anywhere. I've worked since I was 16, which is VERY unusual for my family. Most women where I come from marry VERY young. and then have children.



I hate change and everything scares me. I've been told by doctors before that I have an anxiety disorder. It's extremely difficult for me to push myself out of my comfort zone, often times I get frustrated because I can not learn quick enough or I'm not grasping the subject enough and just want to cry and give up.



I feel as though my growth as a human being has been stunted and I'm stuck as a 14 year old or younger. And I'm not sure if I'm OCD and bipolar like my mother or what. I just can not figure out why everything...every little thing comes SO HARD to me and I'm left wondering....what's wrong with me?



My worst fear is that what is wrong with my is in my genes and I'm terrified of having a child and them being as socially inept and unprepared for life as I am. And that's how I feel..unprepared. I feel as though I learned nothing from my childhood besides survival. I was teased by my family...my friends...kids my age...my father, I'm finally at a point where I can stick up for myself and to everyone in my family they feel like this makes me look like "the bad guy" now.



Please dont' be harsh....I'm not looking for sympathy...just your opinion as to what may psychologically be going on with me.



ThanksWhat is psychologically wrong with me?
You could think about yourself diagnostically from lots of angles - anxiety, agoraphobia etc, or you could see yourself as a trauma survivor who has actually done amazingly well considering all the obstacles in your way. You're not wrong - what you've been put through is though.

You work, you study, you have a relationship! Some anxieties would be a normal response to your upbringing, but as you get more confident and experience more of life they may become less of a feature. You're taking lots of positive steps - driving in your car by yourself is a good step. Anxiety can interfere with being able to take in and retain information - anything which helps your anxiety can help you to find learning easier. But what matters is to find out your learning style and wherever possible do your learning that way.

If you haven't tried psychological therapy or group support with other abuse survivors please do consider it as it can be a really healing experience. They may be able to help you negotiate the issues of how to deal with a toxic family who aren't done hurting you yet if they get the chance.

Good luck!

EDIT: Had a look online. Maybe the http://www.waicwv.com/ phoneline could offer you some advice on accessing support services even if their service isn't for you, or they might have ideas about setting up a group. Setting up a group might be a really good way forward and an empowering experience, but there's lots of planning to consider, like how or whether you will screen new members, where to meet. The main thing is, this is your time to look after you, so don't put pressure on yourself if it's not the right time to begin planning and caring for others - maybe get the lowdown from other non-local survivor support groups about how they got started? Hope it goes well.What is psychologically wrong with me?
You seem to be the most normal and honest person in your family.



Feeling unprepared for life is normal for young people especially when you come from such a not ordinary family. So don't worry and just take life one day at a time.